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Brier Dudley offers a critical look at technology and business issues affecting the Northwest.

August 2, 2010 at 9:42 AM

Microsoft’s iPad: Wi-fis and bigger GBs, please

(Today’s column …)

Have you seen that hilarious (and profane) YouTube cartoon – done after work by a Best Buy employee – about a woman shopping for an iPhone 4?

No matter how many ways the clerk explains that they’ve only got the more advanced HTC Evo, she keeps saying “I don’t care, I want the iPhone 4.”

Believe it or not, a troupe of Wall Street jokesters and tech journalists acted out the Web sensation last week in Redmond, during Microsoft’s annual Financial Analyst Meeting.

To make it fresh, this chorus substituted “iPad” for “iPhone 4” and cut the f-bombs.

Seriously, it was the highlight of the day.

With apologies to the creator of the “iPhone4 vs HTC Evo” video, here’s how it went down.

Chorus: “iPad! Where is the iPad?”

Steve Ballmer: “We are in the process of doing that as we speak. We’re working with our hardware partners, we’re tuning Windows 7 to new slate hardware designs that they’re bringing to market.”

Chorus: “If it’s not an iPad, why would I want it?”

Ballmer: “When you get your Windows 7 machine, it will print. Some people actually like to print every now and then. Ours will print.”

ballm-fam.jpg

Chorus: “I don’t care.”

Bill Koefoed, investor-relations manager: “Windows and Windows Live was up 23 percent year over year. Server & Tools, that business ended the year with both record revenue and record profit … It’s now a $15 billion business and growing, as I said, you know, at a good pace.”

Chorus: “I don’t care.”

Kevin Turner, chief operating officer: “Seventy percent of the wins in the cloud that we had in Q4, ladies and gentlemen, were new Microsoft customers … They were IBM Lotus Notes customers, they were Novell e-mail customers … we’re actually able to grow our portion of the pie this next year in a very dramatic way, because we can explode worker productivity.”

Chorus: “I don’t care.”

Peter Klein, chief financial officer: “We have an increased revenue opportunity from all the products that you saw today … that’s accelerated by the cloud and how that gives us access to many, many hundreds of millions of customer, scenarios and products that we don’t sell today.

Chorus: “I don’t care about any of that.”

Ballmer: “Are we going to see slates? … Yes, and we’re going to sell like crazy. We’re going to market like crazy. We have devices that will run more applications, that have as much content, that have anything you want on the planet. We have an ecosystem of developers who want to write for that thing.”

Chorus: “The iPad’s 3G and has the Wi-Fis.”

Ballmer: “You can buy two PCs for the price of one iPad – two netbooks today – for the price of one iPad.”

Chorus: “I want the one with the bigger GBs.”

Ballmer: “We’ll be in market as soon as we can with new devices.”

Chorus: “I need the white one. Hello? I need one right now please.”

Ballmer: “We’ve competed with Apple before, we’ve been competing with Macs … the 93 percent of people almost who agree with us about laptops (and buy Windows PCs), we’re going to have things that should be interesting to them.”

Chorus: “Forget it. I’ll go somewhere else. My sister said Walgreens has them. Good bye.”

Comments | Topics: analysts, Apple, financial analyst meeting

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