Only at Stanford.
This week, an anonymous donor to Stanford endowed the offensive-coordinator position, giving it the name of Andrew Luck, the wunderkind quarterback who just went No. 1 in the NFL draft.
So they’re calling Pep Hamilton the Andrew Luck Director of Offense.
Stanford does stuff like this. You probably didn’t realize it, but their football coach, David Shaw, is actually the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football. Close your eyes, and rather than a guy in a T-shirt with a whistle around his neck yelling at a wide receiver, you see a pedagogic fellow in a bow tie with pince-nez glasses behind a desk in a library, peering down at a thick manual of football strategy.
Johnny Dawkins isn’t really men’s basketball coach at Stanford, either. Believe it or not, this was the first paragraph of the school’s announcement when he was hired: “Stanford University has named Johnny Dawkins as the Anne and Tony Joseph Director of Men’s Basketball as announced by Jaquish and Kenninger Director of Athletics Bob Bowlsby.”
You almost feel like you should be wearing an ascot as you read that.
But it turns out Stanford is really on the cutting edge with this. We’ve learned that other schools in the league are following the Cardinal’s lead, with announcements coming soon on the following endowments:
Washington Defensive Coordinator — The Nick Holt Anybody-Get-The-License-Number-of-that-Panel-Truck-that-Just-Blew-a-Hole-Through-Our-Back-Seven Maestro of Defensive Alignment
WSU Head Football Coach – The Paul Wulff Let’s-See-There-Must-Be-Something-Else-I-Haven’t-Pinned-on-Bill Doba Chief of Crimson Football
Oregon Head Football Coach – The Chip Kelly Wow-Coaching-is-a-Lot-Easier-When-You-Know-An-Agent-Uh-Guy-Who-Runs-a-Scouting-Service Dean of Duck Football
Cal Head Football Coach – The Jeff Tedford Damn-I-Remember-When-I-Had-a-Reputation-for-Always-Having-a-Quarterback Boss of Bear Football
USC Head Football Coach — The Pete Carroll What’s-So-Wrong-About-Your-Players’-Parents-Upgrading-from-a-Rowhouse-to-a-Manor-Home-with-Marble-Floors Honcho of Troy Football
UCLA Head Football Coach – The Rick Neuheisel Let’s-Run-the-Pistol-Let’s-Hire-Norm-Chow-Hold-On-I’ve-Got-a-Quarterback-to-Yell-At Baron of Bruin Football
Arizona State Head Football Coach – The Todd Graham So-What-If-I-Skulked-Out-of-Pitt-in-the-Dead-of-Night-Get-Over-It Supervisor of Sparky Football
Arizona Head Football Coach – The Rich Rodriguez If-You-Thought-I-Worked-‘Em-Overtime-at-Michigan-Wait-Til-You-See-Me-Here Czar of ‘Zona Football